Mitch Hedberg

I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.