Category: Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg | work

If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.

Mitch Hedberg | work

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Mitch Hedberg | women

I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.

Mitch Hedberg | time

Y’know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.

Mitch Hedberg | time

Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’

Mitch Hedberg | time

I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.

Mitch Hedberg | morning

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Mitch Hedberg | love

I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

Mitch Hedberg | life

I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.

Mitch Hedberg | great

Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

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