funny

Bill Cosby | funny

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Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

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George Carlin | funny

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Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

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Oliver Herford | funny

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A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

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Elayne Boosler | funny

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I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

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Phyllis Diller | funny

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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

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Albert Einstein | funny

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If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.

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Hedy Lamarr | funny

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Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

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Lily Tomlin | funny

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I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

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Mark Twain | funny

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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

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Mae West | funny

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Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

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