Steven Wright

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates… When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, “Do I know you?

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was “Quote” so the last thing I said before I died would be “Unquote.

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, ‘Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?