Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield | morning

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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

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Rodney Dangerfield | morning

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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

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Rodney Dangerfield | men

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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

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Rodney Dangerfield | medical

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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

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Rodney Dangerfield | marriage

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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

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Rodney Dangerfield | marriage

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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

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Rodney Dangerfield | marriage

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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

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Rodney Dangerfield | life

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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

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Rodney Dangerfield | jealousy

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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

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Rodney Dangerfield | hope

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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can’t.

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